Sunday, December 04, 2005

A path of gifts

Image Hosted by ImageShack.usA few of you have asked how I'm doing. Finally the words are coming...

Let me preface by saying that I arrived in Toronto August 1st with two suitcases of summer clothes. Without work for 4 months, any government assistance or charity, somehow I have managed to put together a small home for my daughter and I. How this has happened amazes me. It's a path of gifts, of many small miracles.

Money is the very strangest thing of all. I literally have almost nothing. I don't have what I have collected over a lifetime, nor can buy what we need. With that route denied, how things have been coming to me astounds me. Oh, Freecycle™ is amazing; so is my neighbourhood. Little things, I needed a plastic drainer for a dish rack & found one yesterday; I needed a shopping cart (3 in storage, nothing to use), found an old rusted but perfectly serviceable one; needed a printer for my daughter's long Civic's project, was given one by a Freecycle™ member, and she got 144/145 on it; needed a Winter coat, found an Eddie Bauer down coat for $15. at ValuVillage, when I went to pickup a internet cable from another Freecycle member, & my son agreed to give it to me as a Christmas present; we were sleeping on thin plastic camping mats, and over the weeks I found a queen-sized and a 2 twin foam mattresses, all in good shape, and ultra cheap sheets from Wal-Mart; we were eating off 2 plastic plates from a friend's camping gear, and a Freecycle member gave us a slightly chipped but utterly beautiful 4 place setting dish set; I needed an electric broom, sweeping wasn't cleaning our small space well enough, and found one, clean, cord wrapped neatly around it, with some attachments, waiting for me as if was a gift; and on & on. Precisely what I need I find. I rub my eyes in utter amazement. You can have no idea. When I look about me, at the gifts of friends, Freecycle™, and 'finds,' I realize I have created a small home out of nothing. It's stone soup. I didn't know I was such a staunch survivor. But I am.

Even the basement apartment in which we are living was a find, not only the interior space, but it's in a genuinely loving home that is a balm to my ravaged edges, and which I am deeply appreciative of. Still, I do recognize that what keeps me here rather than on the street is a fragile line. My 3-bedroom household is in storage. Even with continued threats from my ex over cutting the little bit of child support, it trickles in and the rent gets paid every month, and some emergency money from my son paid the storage fees right on the edge of everything we own being auctioned off last week. All our photographs, mementos, books, clothes, furniture. All my paintings, and all the writing I've done through the years. Almost gone, but for a last minute reprieve. It's been like that. Living on the edge. Figuratively and literally.

I think about these things as I walk the hour and 20 minutes it takes each way to a Wal-Mart where milk is $3.77 instead of $5.50 as it is at all the supermarkets around here, and somehow manage to feed myself and my daughter on next to nothing at Wal-Mart and No Frills (which I never ever shopped at before, especially Wal-Mart with its closing a store in Quebec that was forming a union, and its child labour issues, and it's employment practices in general, but, oh). When the coffers are empty, my brother will unexpectedly press some bills into my hand, or my son (who's living at his Dad's) will deposit something into my account from his minimum wage part-time job at a supermarket (I weep at their generosity); just today, all options exhausted, a clerical temp job for two days appeared, which will feed us for 2 weeks, if we are careful.

It's a most strange existence, this. There is no luxury, not even a comfortable chair, let alone a couch to curl up in (oh, a perfect one came to me, but we couldn't get it down the narrow stairwell). Still we maintain ourselves. And I'm learning about trust. That's the key, I think. Life is an odd affair. But keep loving and trusting. Where am I going with all this? I didn't intend to write a 'tell all' post. Even I find the description of my present life rather shocking. But then, again, I am working on uncertainty and trust, which is a theme of my novel, "The Move," and now on grounding, settling, housing, coming into oneself... and so I wonder if my dream of owning a house that is large enough for my kids and I will also come true. We do move in the direction of our dreams, don't we? Aren't we the directors of our lives? Don't we create our lives as we live them? We'll see, we'll see.

10 comments:

  1. Though in one way I am sorry for the hardship through which you are passing, in another I am encouraged by your perserverance, tenacity, innovation, and the enduring "welcome" you extend to the gifts of grace taken from the flows of life. I am remembering you, and I am living a bit of you into the expressions of my own being here in Indiana. Sweetness and joy ... -mg

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  2. I can't really add anything to the words that mary goodwin has expressed about your journey. They are eloquent.

    But...that this is your journey speaks volumes about how much trust has been expected of you. That in itself, as much as it alleviates nothing in some ways, is an incredible gift. Someone, something, somewhere, has an incredible amount of trust that you will become the Brenda that you are capable of. Potential is a word that mustifies me often. But every once in a while I get a chance to see what heading in that direction is really all about. It is truly a spiritual awakening. That you have been chosen for me to see that ...is my gift. Thank you for your perseverence Brenda. And I wish you all the good things that continued trust will bring.

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  3. please excuse the typos and (sp)

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  4. Brenda, I'm short on words lately, and especially short on words in response to your story. Just sending lots of love, and strong belief that it will work out for you. I too have had experiences of what I need, including work and money, turning up at the very moment of most desperate need. It's turned me from a steely rationalist into... well, not a steely rationalist. And I'm glad of this.

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  5. Anonymous6:58 AM

    Thank you all so very, very much! Little miracles continue to unfold. Even today, where I was offered an extra day at York Community Services where I presently am temping, meaning I can give my daughter some money for her birthday this weekend when she turns 15 (she's going to her Dad's for a celebration). I don't mean to throw so much pathos in there, but the way these small things happen continues to amaze me. I'm no deist, but there is some kind of connection between us all that is profound. When they asked me to come in an extra day yesterday it felt so caring, even though noone could possibly have known how grateful I am for the extra hours. What can I say? Does it sound soppy to say I love you guys so much? I do. Many thanks and big hugs. xo

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  6. I learn from you and feel honored to witness your passion, trust and openness. Sending warmth and good wishes over these cyberwaves...

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  7. nims, oh my, how beautifully you put it, this magical world, thank you... yes, the world is a profound place- xo

    moose, this was very hard to write and post, yes, definitely... thank you for such understanding and support, and all good wishes accepted! xo

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  8. Wishing you every possible blessing, Brenda, and echoes to all your commenters. I'm sorry it took me a week to come here.

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  9. Thank you so much, Richard. And, please, never apologize for anything... xo

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  10. Anonymous9:39 AM

    Dear Brenda, You are a very amazing person. I must find out more about this Freecycle. I know you posted a similar bit on Xanga but I don't remember the Freecycle, or I didn't notice. Going to e-mail you, I think I have your address. Vexations from Xanga

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A Pulsing Imagination - Ray Clews' Paintings

A video of some of my late brother Ray's paintings and poems I wrote for them. Direct link: https://youtu.be/V8iZyORoU9E ___